All Aboard

Here are some things I have learned about friendship:

Friendship breakups are real. They are painful and they are a loss and they are real. The realization that I have recently come to face is that friendships aren’t all that different from any other type of relationship you might have.. romantic or not. You make a connection with a person, you decide that person is someone you want in your life, and you spend time with that person. Along with an increased bond to a human comes the good and the bad. Laughter, inside jokes, memories.. jealousy, the pain of attachment, and sometimes toxic patterns.

I have been a bad friend in the past. I have taken on the roll of energy sucker and become so self centered in my actions, I lost sight of what kind of toll that could take on a person. Let alone a person I call friend. I was reflecting on the old friendship I had with one being in particular and didn’t like the way I was feeling about it. I didn’t like the guilt in my heart for not being the person I would be had I been their friend today, and not back then. We had broken up by simply fizzling out of each others life until it was rare and then not at all. So, having not spoken in a long time, I sent her a long message about my feelings and apologizing for my shortcomings in our past friendship. I never got a response, and that’s ok. I said what I needed to to try to make it known that I was aware of my part in the downfall of the friendship and I also healed my path to a situation that could have held guilt in my heart for years to come.

I have also been a good friend to people who didn’t or couldn’t give back in a way that I needed. I have taken on the roll of helper/fixer and allowed toxic patterns to form that made me feel exhausted and spent from a continuous cycle of building the other up or even feeding their ego. In this circumstance, the chat wasn’t an apology letter, but rather a well thought out reason to end the relationship at that point in time. A real “it’s time to break up” moment. It was not received well and that’s ok, too.

The reason I give these two different examples and tell you that the not so perfect endings are ok, is because it isn’t how the other person reacts that matters. If you get anything from this, that very statement is what’s important for me to pass on. What matters is that you do the best you can do at each point in time of your life. Expectation will hurt you. If you want to mend a path or end a friendship with expectations that someone will act a certain way in return, you will always be disappointed. All you are responsible for is your actions and how clean your slate is. Let go of the need to be right or the need to fight back. If you feel those needs in yourself, it’s ok – you are human, just notice them, don’t judge them, and let them pass without reacting to them.

expectation

There are also situations with friends where you are going to have to work hard to understand each other and be there when the other needs you. Similarly as you would with a boyfriend or girlfriend. You are going to need to make an effort to understand the way a friend handles situations different than you and figure out how to still be there for them in a way that works. Your gut will tell you which friends to fight for and which to let go.

Then sometimes, you will meet people and they will become great friends fast and easily and you know they will be there for a lifetime. It will flow and it will inspire you and encourage you to grow. Keep those.

I am going through all of this at once and learning as I go. If you have any stories, advice, or words to offer – this is an open space for you to do so. If you want to know more about my stories or process in this subject, feel free to ask and I will answer. This is a trusted community here and you are safe.

Trust yourself.

Sammy

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10 Comments

  1. Cat April 13, 2016 / 6:26 pm

    “If you want to mend a path or end a friendship with expectations that someone will act a certain way in return, you will always be disappointed.” This is very true, Sammy, and it’s something that has been taught to me (again and again) through experiences; I have found that I find the most peace in my decisions when there are no expectations of how the other person will respond, and by simply following what FEELS right. However, some heartlines are harder to cut than others…

    • goodmoynan@gmail.com April 14, 2016 / 10:11 pm

      Yes! I love how that message resonates so strongly with both of us. It’s really so peaceful to release all expectations of others but like you said.. some are harder to cut than others. So very true. This work is definitely not easy! But I wouldn’t turn around and take the easy road out at this point.. this all feels too right & worth it. <3

  2. Melanie April 13, 2016 / 6:33 pm

    ?❤️? Well said! One of my faves that someone said to me once & it really resonated is, “Expectation is the invitation of resentment”.

    You know all of my words of wisdom at this point and I’m truly enjoying yours! Thank you for another beautiful post with some insight into your thoughts:)

    • goodmoynan@gmail.com April 14, 2016 / 10:12 pm

      I like that quote!

      So glad you are enjoying this!! I hear your words of wisdom in my head every day <3

  3. Celia A Leffler April 13, 2016 / 8:09 pm

    So well written….poignant and resonates as Truth. Makes me want to share about lifetime friends.

    • goodmoynan@gmail.com April 14, 2016 / 10:17 pm

      Share away (:

  4. Blair April 14, 2016 / 6:59 pm

    love this post and your honesty. Friendships are probably more real and intense than actual romantic relationships. It’s easy to get caught up in the “honeymoon phase” but it’s when the truths/fears/demons/darkness come out that you begin to understand a person on a different level. Being vulnerable has always been an intimating concept for me but you have helped me learn how beautiful of an experience it can be. I’m glad you know me on such a deep and personal level. It’s rare to find people that accept you as you are, and you my dear, do that so willingly with everyone you meet. A true friend knows you and still loves you all the same. As always, thanks for sharing! You have such a way with words. I love you and cherish you more than you’ll ever know! But don’t forget to be a best friend to yourself – above all, you deserve that more than anything.

    A brave and wise lady recently said: “we tell our friends the important things about ourselves so they can know who we really are. True friends are mirrors – we need to see a fairly accurate reflection.”

    xx

    • goodmoynan@gmail.com June 9, 2016 / 12:14 am

      <333 love you so much

      You have come so far and I am honored you feel safe to be open and vulnerable with me. And I love everything you said here.

  5. Anon May 19, 2016 / 9:21 am

    Interesting read…no doubt expectation can play a role in break-ups. However, would it not be so that disinterest and inaction play a bigger role? Disinterest in both the person and his/her beliefs. As you drift through life, you change from one person to another and some identities of you are more stable than others. As two people drift side by side, they can become friends and even lovers. However, if they start to drift apart…they will eventually break-up, expectation or no expecation; with saying it aloud or not at all.

    • goodmoynan@gmail.com June 9, 2016 / 12:21 am

      Interesting point.. and I can definitely agree that disinterest or inaction can play a huge role in the end of a relationship. Here, I am not saying that expectation is the cause of a break-up but rather, you make decisions that are best for you WITHOUT expecting anything from the other person. Although, expectation as you are talking about can overall also lead to a break up because if you spend a friendship or other relationship always expecting something of the other, you will be consistently disappointed until you or that person has had enough. My point here was to spread the idea that friendships AREN’T always forever.. as any form of media would like you to believe.. but to get into the causes of a friendship ending (or any relationship) would be a whole new post of things to write about (:

      Thanks for reading and for expressing your thoughts!!

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